Scientology - Disconnection Hurts

Interviews

Sunday, 2nd November, 2008 02:16:53am

Name or Alias: Tennyson
How long ago was your disconnection? a few years
Are you a current member, an ex-member, or never a member?
never a member
Did you disconnect, or did someone disconnect from you?
The other person disconnected.
1. What is (or was) your relationship to the disconnected person?
I am his mother.

2. What were the circumstances surrounding the disconnection?
He is certain that Scientology has the answers to all the ills of the world. He saw his opportunity to make the world a better place. He wanted to become an auditor, and a COS minister. He was told he couldn't start his courses because I belong to an organization that is on Scientology's Enemies List.

3. Were you given a choice about disconnecting? Was there anything you could have done to avoid the disconnection? If so, please describe the choice involved or what you could have done. Do you now feel that you made the best decision?
For 25+ years, I have been a member of an organization that is very important to me. To his, and my, surprize, it turned out to be on their 'Enemies List'. He and the people he consulted in Scientology could not find the reason for its being on the list. They said my organization, in the many years it has been on the list, has never made a negative move of any kind toward Scientology. Nevertheless, it's on the list. My son wanted to become a COS minister. They told him he could not take the necessary courses unless I either left my organization, or he disconnected from me. I was 73 at the time. My organization was a big part of my life. I taught classes and got a lot of satisfaction out of the good things we were doing, I was retired and not yet ready to go and live near or with them, as they had asked me many times to do. I was very close to my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I planned on spending my last years with them. But, I felt like I was being blackmailed. I didn't think that was a good thing for me or for my son. I didn't think it was a good thing for my grandchildren to see me give up. At the time, I was very hurt. I couldn't imagine how we, my son and daughter-in-law, would be able to relate to each other if I was forced to give up an important part of my life. We would not have been allowed to discuss the situation, or be critical of Scientology in any way, which would have been extremely hard and awkward. I felt that the honesty, closeness, and warmth of my relationship with my daughter-in-law might no longer be possible. She wasn't happy with the disconnection, but felt she had to keep her marriage together. She got upset when I tried to advocate for myself. I don't know what they told the children. The last time I sw them, I wasn't allowed to tell the children that this was my last visit. It seems like it all happened so fast. I cant imagine what they thought, when it finally became obvious that I was no longer in their lives. I made it clear to my son that I wasn't disconnecting. He tried to convince me that I was making the decision, but I said, 'no, you may be disconnecting from me, but I am not disconnecting from you'. H I could tell he felt bad. He told me 'this is bigger than me and you, Mom. It's for the greater good'. I think Scientology, in general, uses this (I see it as a technique') to put responsibility for all negative occurences on the 'other guy'. The 'greater good phrase' translates in my mind as 'the end justifies the means' and justifies, in Scientology's mind, the fair game policy for example. I guess I made the right decision morally, but I don't know if it was the best decision. I know my son's motives are good. He wants to change the world for the better; But, I still cant believe this has happened.

4. Was a formal disconnection letter sent? If so, what did it say? If not, how was the disconnection communicated?
It was verbal, prior to my last visit (which he reluctantly allowed). I think he emailed me afterward to remind me that re-connection was possible, and that he wanted a relationship with me. I simply had to disconnect from my organization, the friends I had there, and the meaningul activity I was lucky to have at my age. I wanted to see this precious family one more time. We had a final good weekend together. I was able to decide to enjoy the moment and not make things rough on my grandchildren especially. I was very sad after. The next 18 months were extremely hard. I am still very sad at the loss, but I am functioning well and enjoying many moments.

5. In what way has the disconnection affected your life?
Well, I am 76 now. I live alone. I feel very lonely for this family I have lost. I've missed birthdays, and visits, and other important events in my grandchildren's lives. I just thought of the summer vacations, with my son's and his siblings' families, at the ocean. If I went, my disconnected family wouldn't go, and the children wouldn't see their cousins. I elected not to go so that wouldn't happen. I used to love seeing them all together. It feels terrible (though I'm grateful), to have other people show me pictures of them. I am in pretty good physical shape, but now would be the time I would have chosen to live near my son and his family. I've lost my safety net. I am not as strong or agile as I used to be. I have health problems, and was hospitalized last year for a sudden, quite severe illness. It took much longer to recover from it than it would have when I was younger. Basically, it scares me to think I wont have their love and support as I age, and that, eventually, I may die without without ever seeing them again. When my son first told me about the possibility of disconnection, and what disconnection actually meant, (no further contact, of any kind, between me and his family)I asked him, 'What if I were very sick or dying?'. He looked sad and said, 'well, we'll see'. Prior to disconnection, when I saw that my son was happy with what he was doing, that it was having a positive effect on him as a parent and a husband, I was careful to let him know that I saw this. I read a few books about Scientology at his request. There were a number of good ideas in the books, and I let him know that. I went to a Scientology center, took the personality test, and attended a church service. It was my intent to learn more about this organization that was so important to my son. I was determined to be informed, and supportive of him.

6. What were your feelings at the time about the disconnection?
Hurt and disbelief.

7. What are your current feelings about the disconnection?
Hurt, lonely, scared about the future, hopeful that Scientology's darker side will reveal itself to my son; And, still, disbelief that this has happened to us. How can this have happened to us!!!? I miss them terribly.

8. Has there been an attempt at reconnection? Were there any conditions for reconnecting? If there was an attempt, did you succeed at reconnecting?
I read about someone who avoided disconnection from her mother by following a 'fair road, fair weather policy'. Those might not be the exact words, but close. The mother agreed never to say anything negative about Scientology, and they both agreed to discuss safe topics only, eg. the weather. I emailed my son, and asked him if it were possible that this policy could work for us. The email was rejected by the server. I tried a few times more but it kept being rejected. My son had, on several occaisions, assured me that he was ready to have a relationship with me again, if I gave up any and all connection to my organization. I realized afterwards that I can get a mesage to him through other family and by phone. I left a message on his phone, asking the same question, 'Why wouldn't this work for us?' He never answered. I am loath to create discord in a big dramatic way, showing up on his doorstep, for example. I really worry about upsetting the children. I am afraid that if I make him angry he will never re-connect. I just don't know what to do.

9. If you are currently disconnected, would you like to reconnect? Do you believe it is possible, in your particular case? If not, why?
Some of this answer is in '8'. Yes, I would like to re-connect. I think I will, fairly soon, retire from my organization anyway, so would try for re-connection then. I hope that he will still be willing. I was always supportive of him, and never said anything negative about Scientology. This is the first time I have said anything in a public arena.

Would you like to make any additional comments?
I wonder what it will be like to re-connect. I really want our relationship back.

Disconnection Story Number: 14
Total Disconnection Stories: 26
Page: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] 14 [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26]

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